Out of my mind. Be back in five minutes.

Alright so heres the deal. At this place, I have to haul my massive amounts of laundry down 4 flights of stairs and into a little tiny narrow room with lint balls, piles of unclaimed clothes and socks strewn all over the place complete with 8 washers and 12 dryers. Yes, 8 washers. 12 dryers. For 200 people. Figure that one out...

But anyways, upon lugging my laundry downstairs I found 2 washers open. Of course I needed 3. Well, lucky for me some girls clothes were on the "final spin." So, upon starting my other 2 loads, I moved her laundry out of the washer and placed it neatly on top since she was not there when it was finished. I started the load and went on my merry way...

Came back 40 minutes later when the stuff was almost done. The loads take 45 minutes and I always set my alarm to 40 so that I'm there early and not holding anyone else up like this biotch....

TO MY SURPRISE I was greeted by a lovely green post it note that read, and I quote (since it is now tacked to my cork board :D) "To whoever couldn't wait one minute for me to switch my clothes--you're a f***ing bitch." Hahahahhaahahahahaha....

Hahaha.

HA. 

Wait a sec. Let's rewind. You were late to get your clothes in a building with 200 people and 8 washers. And you're going to leave me this little snotty note on the washing machine? Cute.

It gets better. I turn around and see a girl sitting at the table in there. So I couldn't help but ask "Excuse me but did you write this? Were those your clothes?"

Girl: "Yes, I did. Don't get me wrong, I move peoples stuff too. (JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER PERSON IN THIS BUILDING) But I always wait at least ten or fifteen minutes (I call bullsh*t) before I move stuff. You wouldn't want your underwear sitting up there."

Me: "I am always here at least 5 minutes before my stuff is done so that I don't do what you did and hold other people up. Whether you were here one minute later or 10 minutes later you weren't here when it was done and when I needed it. And you're right, I wouldn't want my underwear sitting up there for the whole building to look at...Hence why I am ALWAYS here before my stuff is done." 

Girl: Silence. 

If you're going to leave me a cute little green post it note message on the washing machine calling me a f***ing biotch than at least put up a fight when I call you out on it :D 

And that brings me to the next thing... Shout out to Kristie for the list idea... I won't steal it again...

****BEST WAYS TO PISS OFF/FREAK OUT YOUR COLLEGE ROOMMATE****

1. Pretend to type in the air while complaining about how slow your computer has been lately.

2. Buy a fish tank. Fill it with beer. And dump Sardines in it.

3. Then talk to the Sardines. And name them. One fish. Two fish. Red fish. Blue fish.

4. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks."

5. Move your mouth when you are silent and move it as little as possible when you are talking.

6. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come pretend like nothing happened.

7. Smile. Obnoxiously. All the time.

8. Hide a bunch of potato chips in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.

9. Cover your mouth when you talk to anyone.

10. But keep it open as much as possible when you are eating.

11. And then say..."DO YOU LIKE SEAFOOD?!" And show your roommate the contents of your mouth.

12. Put all of your books on the shelf with the spine facing the wall. Then complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.

13. Listen to radio static.

14. ...Or "the sounds of nature" aka "pornographic audio that helps you..."sleep"...

15. Open your window shades before you go to sleep at night. And then shut them first thing in the morning.

16. Send secret admirer notes on their email account.

17. Cry...a lot...

18. Put a water balloon inside their pillow.

19. Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate.

20. Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.

21. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.

22. Whenever someone knocks on the door, answer the phone.

23. Turn the lights off when you get in the room. Turn them on when you leave.

24. Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.

25. Or tongues.

26. Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"

27. Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Where am I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don't know what he/she is talking about.

28. "Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.

29. Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."

30. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan. 

31. Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to take it off, say, "What do you think you are? A king?"

32. Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."

33. Challenge your roommate to a duel. If he/she refuses, claim that you have won by forfeit and therefore conquered his/her side of the room. Insist that he/she remove all of his/her possessions immediately.

34. Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly complain that your feet hurt.

35. When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and yell, "Oh, you're here!" Walk away yelling and complaining.

36. Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say, "Don't worry. It's not what you think." If he/she asks about it again, immediately change the subject.

37. Talk like a pirate, all the time. Threaten to make your roommate walk the plank if he/she doesn't swab the deck. Arrrrrrrrrrrgh!

38. Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your roommate through the telescope. When you're not using the telescope, act like your roommate is too far away for you to see.

39. As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to be confused. 

40. Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means there's going to be an earthquake soon. While your roommate is out, trash everything on his/her side of the room. When he/she returns, explain that the earthquake hit, but only on one side of the room.

41. Tell your roommate that your boobs hurt, and that means it's going to rain. While your roommate is out, dump water all over their bed. When he/she returns, make it clear that you warned them the rain was coming and they should have closed their window.

42. Leave your room and lock the door. Proceed to bang on the door, screaming, "Let me in." Get mad at your roommate for locking you out.

43. Start stealing random traffic cones from around campus and store them in your room. When word gets out around campus, blame your roommate and tell your RA or call the cops.

44. Ask your roommate if Henry, your invisible friend, can stay the night.

45. Invite your roommate to sleep over.

46. Every time you take a shower yell "I'm melting! I'm melting!"

47. When you leave the room put on a screen saver on your computer that says "I'm watching you!"

48. Take your birth control in the middle of the night and set the alarm so that you make sure you make up. Make the alarm sound your boyfriend saying "TAKE THAT PILL WE DON'T WANT NO BABIES!"

49. When your roommate is about to come home, hide in the closet. Five minutes after he gets home, walk out. If he comments, act as if you don't know what he's talking about.

50. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances.

OHHHHHH don't I just love college...Hahaha...

Ha....

.....

"I don't need to pay a therapist to give me crap. I have a roommate that does it for free." - Ally McBeal

"If you want to get laid, go to college. If you want to get an education, go to the library." - Frank Zappa

And just because this is the type of mood that I'm in...

"If life gives you lemons, go find an annoying guy with paper cuts." - Anonymous

:D

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

^ ^ ^ Well yes...

BUT...Have you ever imagined a world free of people with punchable faces? I think about it every day. What is a punchable face you ask? Well. I will be GLAD to inform you.

Listen up. Simply read through the following questionnaire and you will find out.

IS MY FACE PUNCHABLE? IF SO, HOW PUNCHABLE?!

1. Do you say/do/act-out/impersonate vile and inappropriate things at the dinner table? (ie-girl in the dining hall with the banana...)

2. Do you name your child Luke Jonathan only to turn around and call him Jonathan?

3. Do you dress like Kourtney Kardashian's baby daddy, Scott?

4. Do you exhibit any of the pet peeves discussed in previous blog posts? (*HINT- See blog post titled "This is my pet. His name is Peeve." It might help jostle your brain a little.)

5. Do you force your men to work ungodly hours on or in a giant metal tube doing who the hell knows what?

6. Do like you like think like that you're like a like barbie like girl like or like whatever like and like do you like talk like this like like like?!?!!!!!!!!!

7. Do you push the elevator button or the cross walk button more than once thinking that it will make it come faster or let you walk faster?

8. Do you try to rain on my parade, and actually think that it will work?

9. Do you post status's like "dinosaur num nums go RAWR!" or "boyfrwend bwought me wunch!- dinosaur shaped sandwiches that went RAWR!"when you are 20 years old and a sophomore in college?

10. Do you walk around like your sh*t don't stankkkkk?


*WARNING: There are many more criteria that can deem you "worthy of a punchable face." The questionnaire was kept short for the purpose of this post. If you fit any of the above criteria than you may in fact have a punchable face. I advise you to take all precautionary measures in order to avoid ever finding yourself in this situation ever again.

If you answered yes to 1 of the above than you are steps away from a punchable face.

If you answered yes to 2 or more of the above than you have a punchable face.

If you answered yes to 4 or more of the above than you have a highly punchable face.

If you answered yes to 6 or more of the above than you have a severely punchable face.

If you answered yes to 8 or more of the above than you might want to begin thinking about your counterattack plan.

If you answered yes to all ten of the above than I suggest you run for the hills. You indeed have the worlds most punchable face.


AND...One more tidbit...If you answered yes to number 5... Come see me. I've got beef with you. You don't need to answer yes to any more to actually have the worlds most punchable face.

"Don't forget. SOME people need to be punched in the throat because if they spoke any more you would have to take them out for the sake of evolution." - Kristie Helwig :)

If all is not lost, where is it?

Okay so the title really has just about nothing to do with the post itself...but hey. I liked it. Leave me alone :)

A little birdie named Kristie has been bugging me about when I was going to write another blog post ;-) WELL my mind has been running a blank. So I did some research. And I found this super sweet website that talked about all sorts of palindromes. You know, the words or phrases that are the same front wards and back wards...Pretty amusing to me in my state of boredom......

SO here they are. Top ten crazy palindromes.

YO banana boy

Yo bro, free beer for boy

Was it a car or a cat I saw?


Go hang a salami, I'm a lasagna hog


Golf? No sir. Prefer prison flog.


Did bob poop? Bob did!


Murder for a jar of red rum.


Aloha! Hola! (minus the !)


Some men interpret nine memos

And finally. The best for last....


Dennis, Nell, Edna, Leon, Nedra, Anita, Rolf, Nora, Alice, Carol, Leo, Jane, Reed, Dena, Dale, Basil, Rae, Penny, Lana, Dave, Denny, Lena, Ida, Bernadette, Ben, Ray, Lila, Nina, Jo, Ira, Mara, Sara, Mario, Jan, Ina, Lily, Arne, Bette, Dan, Reba, Diane, Lynn, Ed, Eva, Dana, Lynne, Pearl, Isabel, Ada, Ned, Dee, Rena, Joel, Lora, Cecil, Aaron, Flora, Tina, Arden, Noel, and Ellen sinned.


Go ahead. Check that one if you don't believe me. I dare you. 








Are you done? Okay. See. Told you I'm right...

Makeup your mind.

See now, that's just not possible when it comes to me in a Bare Escentuals Boutique. There are no if's and's or but's about it. Every time I come within close proximity to anything Bare Escentuals my make up radar starts beeping like crazy and I end up right in front of the door. Really! It's great!

Oh you're saying these eye shadows are 3 for $36?! Fantastic! I'll take 12...Oh and this will keep my brushes soft and pretty for forever!? I guess I NEED that too! If I spend $100 dollars I get $10 off!? Sweet deal. That means if I spend $200 I get $20 off! Better keep shopping...!

I can recall one time Aaron and I were shopping while I was in Hawaii, and my radar went off and led me right to the front door of the Ala Moana Mall Bare Escentuals Boutique. I 'bout near died and went to heaven. Biggest one I've ever been to!

Aaron: "Easy, don't spend a fortune."
Me: "Hahahahahahaaaaaaaaa, you are such a silly little sailor."

Aaron after at least a half hour in the store: "Can't you just make up your mind?"

Thus...the blog post.

No. No, I really can't. I have to have everything. EVERYTHING. He knows better now than to question me when it comes to this stuff. My collection grows every month and will continue to grow until they stop selling this stuff or until I die, which ever comes first.

I don't know what led me to this obsession. I blame my Nanna. She introduced me to it. And I love her for it. (<3 rip! :)

Now, excuse me while I take inventory of my collection, and see what I need. My pretty new brush roll has lots of open spots in it! They're unveiling a new product and all the boutiques are having giveaways and everything! YES! And its tomorrow! Woohoo!

"Kiss and make up--but too much makeup has ruined many a kiss." - Mae West

"I love the confidence that makeup gives me." - Tyra Banks

"You can make any face pretty with the right amount of makeup." - Lauren Conrad

This is my pet. His name is Peeve.

Listen up boys and girls, today's lesson is about Alyssa's pet peeves. She has many of them...

Okay enough with the third person, but for real. I have a lot of pet peeves. More than I'd say the average person has. I guess not all of them are pet peeves, but rather, things that annoy the living sh*t out of me (on a bad day) and just irritate me on a good day. The following are in no particular order...

NUMERO UNO:
Snoring. I know. I know. You can't help it. Well let me just tell you, my future husband is going to have to "help it." He snores? His ass is getting surgery. I'll settle for breathe right strips as long as they work. There will be a cabinet stocked full. God forbid we ever ran out...Once I hear snoring I wake right up. Can't get it out of my head. SUCH an awful sound.

DOS:
The way people eat. PLEASE for the love of god, could you please just chew with your mouth shut? My mommy and daddy taught me how to do this when I was like two. At this point in your adult lives, this should not be that much to ask. Also, to me, biting your fork is like nails on a chalk board. Please refrain from doing so in my presence. And, if you're going to smack your food in your mouth, don't expect an invite to any of my dinner parties. I really just don't know how people make certain noises with their food when they eat...It's so unbelievably disgusting.

TRESSSSS:
Messiness and lack of organization. Now, I'm no angel when it comes to keeping things clean but let me tell you, the way some people keep their dorm rooms at this place makes me cringe. How can you live like that!? Clothes on the floor, garbage overflowing, dust everywhere, piles of notebooks on the desks. Terrible! I'm the type of person who has to make their bed before I can get in it to go to sleep. I have to clean off my entire desk and make sure everything is in its proper space (yes, everything has a proper place) before I can sit down to do my homework. If I do homework on my bed, it's got to be made and there can't be any clothes on it or notebooks from classes I'm not working on. As for organization, thats like an essential thing in life. I'm not always a neat freak, but I sure as hell am an organization freak.

QUATRO:
When people don't answer your question. Obviously I'm asking you a question for a reason, I feel that you have the answer to something I clearly need answered. So please, for both of our sakes, instead of beating around the bush, would you mind just answering my question? I'd really appreciate it...And teachers, please don't turn the question around on me. Don't ask me "Well what do you think" because if I knew what I thought, then CLEARLY I wouldn't be asking you now would I? I didn't think so...This gets me no where.

CINCO:
Couples who sit on the same side of the table/booth when there is no one on the other side. Okay, look. When you work in a restaurant it drives you nuts. If you really insist, than fine. Personally, if I'm at a restaurant with Aaron I'd rather be across the table so I can look at him. But if you want to cramp next to your significant other and bump arms and canoodle at the dinner table than fine. Just don't do it where I work :) I find it extremely weird. You have the entire table!!!!

SEIS:
Bad table manners. Sit up. Put your napkin on your lap. Don't shovel your food into your mouth. Don't put your elbows on the table. Don't hold your utensils with your ENTIRE hand. Simple, really. If you're in the comfort of your own home its not so bad. But if you're at a family gathering or out in public or something of the sort, you know you should display your best manners just like I know your mommy and daddy taught you. God bless your handsome little sailor self Aaron but your table manners need some help ;-)

SIETE:
Snapping gum. Please please please just stop. Once in a while is okay, I do it too by accident sometimes. But if we're in an exam or even just in a lecture, could you please refrain? Thanksssssss

OCHO:
The naming of celebrity couples, or any couple for that matter. If anyone tries to combine mine and Aaron's names to give us some sort of a "cute" nickname you've got another thing coming. Why is it necessary to call Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie "Brangelina"???!!!!???!!!! It's not cute. It's not funny. It's not necessary. It's annoying.

NUEVE:
Grammar. At this point we should all know that there are 3 different forms of the word there. "There" is an adverb meaning location, or if used with "to be" as an idiom. Are we going there tonight? Are there going to be a lot of people there? WOAH twice in one sentence..."Their" used to show possession or ownership. Their house is very nice. "They're" is a contraction of they are. They're going to be there tonight with their parents. WOW, look at that. Used every form in one sentence. Your and you're is rather annoying too. But not nearly as much as there, their, and they're. I don't make that mistake. But I'll forget the "e" sometimes on the YOU ARE contraction that makes up "you're" occasionally. Work on it.  Kay? Thanks :)

AND FINALLY...

DIEZ:
Being late. Honestly, this could be a contender for the top spot on the list of pet peeves. I would rather be a half hour early for a class than be one minute late. I am NEVER late. And if I am, somethings wrong. Like really, I must have been killed on the way. Or else it was completely not under my control. Like maybe I wasn't the driver (rare). If you tell me that you are going to be here at 9, be here at 9. If you tell me to be at your house at 5, I will be there at 5. Not 5:05. 5:00. If you know you're going to be late, than call. If I think for one second that I'll be late for work, I call. Even if its a "I MIGHT be a few minutes late." I call. And if I had to call I must be stuck in traffic, because again, I'm never late. 


If you made it this far through my pet peeves you must think I'm one mental person. I warned you. I said I had a lot of them. It's not normal. Don't worry. I'm aware. Can't help it! ;-)


"I don't have pet peeves, I have whole kennels of irritation." - Whoopi Goldberg


...hey! That would have been a good title! It seems as if I am the same way. Thank you Whoopi for this realization!

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Alright, so I drank too much coffee today. And when I drink too much coffee, I get these random crazy thoughts going on in my head. My brain just likes to go off on little tangents.

But for real, how do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign? I mean honestly people, do the deer mommies and daddies train their babies that they are supposed to cross the road where the sign with their picture on it is strategically placed? Or is it not strategically placed? What makes that exact spot the spot for a deer crossing the road sign? Why not 5 more feet up the road? Or even just a few more inches? Really!? Bet you've never thought about that before...

So what do they call it when the deer doesn't use its designated crossing area, and rather, bolts out into the road and then..STOP! Right in front of my car whose brakes were just slammed really hard, and whose headlights are now shining oh so brightly in said deers eyes, HENCE creating the saying "deer in headlights," WHICH brings me to my next point.

Who makes up these crazy sayings? For real. Like "hell in a hand basket" for example. Who decided to come up with some saying, using "hell" and "hand baskets"!? Seriously!? First of all, what the heck is a hand basket? And why am I going to hell in said hand basket? I don't know...

Another one, who decided to use words like "hot" to describe someone's level of attractiveness.
Why does snow fall but rain drops?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Can fat people go skinny dipping? WAIT. I can answer that...NO. They chunky dunk.
Why do they call it "rush hour" when thats when traffic is the slowest?
Here's a good one, why do you need a drivers license to buy alcohol when you're not allowed to drink and drive?
Why do they call it "lipstick" if your lips STILL MOVE after you put it on?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why do you press harder on the remote control when you know the battery is dead?
And my personal favorite, the one that drives me nuts every time I think about it, WHY in the world, do we have eyebrows? And how the heck did they get there!? Really though, its just this random stripe of coarse hair above our eyes and below our forehead. I mean I guess they're supposed to protect your eyes? And collect dust? Gross, I know. But that's what someone told me. But how does your body know to just make this random stripe of hair on here, that really doesn't grow. It's not like normal facial hair on a guy that will just grow and grow and grow until they shave it! Why don't our eyebrows ever grow? I just really hate the concept of eyebrows.

I could go on for forever...

But really people, do you ever stop and think about these things? Clearly I do...And it drives me nuts.

"Decaf? No, its dangerous to dilute my caffeine stream." - Anonymous

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Every year I win the title of worlds pickiest eater. Even when I was a little kid. Picky picky picky. That's just me :) My nanna would always tell me I'd turn into a chicken finger when I was little, or a caesar salad. That's all I'd eat.

I don't like to "try new foods." I "try" to like new foods. Try to "step outside the box" but no. NO NO NO. I have my foods. I have my ways of eating them. Rules actually. And that's that.

Chicken. Chicken breasts. "Can I have that piece of dark meat?"is not part of my vocabulary. I best not cut into my chicken and see some pink thing running through it. Gross. And there better not be any fat or skin or any of that nonsense anywhere near my piece.

Lets see, I don't eat red meat. Well, very rarely. Speaking of rare. Put a piece of mooing red meat on the plate in front of me and find out what happens. "How do you want that cooked?"...well done. BURNT actually. Thankssssssss.

Pork is another one. I can't eat it. I've tried. I just can't do it. I'd rather stand in the snow in my bathing suit for 6 hours than eat a bite of pork. Or let a bite of pork come anywhere near my mouth. Excuse me while I go purge.

Vegetables are not my thing. Fruit I love. But fruits are so acidic and sugary. Therefore, they make my tummy hurt :( Nutella is delicious as we've already established. But I can only eat so much.

My diet pretty much consists of pasta, chicken, salad, sandwiches, and like ohhhh crackers. And then different varieties of those foods. So boring. I need to like more food. When I'm lucky I get to eat seafood. My absolute fave.

Being a picky eater really blows. It tends to interfere with a lot of things. Like say, a date! It's a good thing I have Aaron who tries to understand my picky eating habits or I don't know what I'd do! Keyword tries...Thanks babe<3

Did I mention that my food can NOT touch? I know I know. It all ends up in the same place. No. I don't care. If my salad dressing starts running into my mashed potatoes we're going to have some serious problems. Hence why I use separate plates.

I really could go on for forever about food and how I hate most of it and how its prepared.. Wait. Let's be clear. I hate most of it that I can actually eat. Meaning, the food thats not going to give me heart disease or diabetes or a bigger belt. Something along those lines. Which pretty much leaves me with, well, leaves.

"The belly rules the mind." - Spanish Proverb



...worst blog post ever. I do apologize :)